Phantasma of my Life

I quietly sit at my desk, analyzing the suicidal and morbid thoughts that plague my mind. Unusually, the source of my suffering is my own demons...the inconsistencies of my character. I have no one to blame and even if I could, it wouldn't make an ounce of a difference. I have defenestrated my desires and ambitions as nonchalantly as if it were mere ephemera. The chances of me getting into the college of my choice have alarmingly reduced and I now believe I might *gasp* end up in the mediocre colleges of the city. I am at the end of my rope and below me lies the abyss of everything average, everything I detest. My grasp is slipping... I was once at the top, now I am struggling to survive, fighting against the tenacious wind of despair that threatens to relieve me of my hold. I am not sure if I can hang on much longer.
So, here I am absorbed in my own deathly cogitations, imagining he various ways I could inflict harm upon myself. Let me assure the reader that before you attempt to alert the authorities, that everything I say remains as words and ideas. I am not going to actually do as I say. I am a little too intent on life to take such a futile and drastic measure as suicide. But I can't resist thinking about it. It's rather cathartic and ,at times , even soothing. Anywho on a lighter note, I have an amusing incident to narrate...
In the evening, my grandmother asked me to get vegetables for dinner. Now, I have never gone vegetable shopping alone and I can name only 10 vegetables accurately. The rest are just shapeless inedible and ergo unnecessary objects. My grandmother dealt with local vendors her whole life, so much so that she has quite remarkably forgotten their English names. She expected me to buy an elusive vegetable known as "see may badhne kai" in Kannada. After sensing that I hadn't registered a syllable of that convoluted word, she enrolled the help of my less ignorant maid. So like a meek child I was introduced to the world of vegetables. I never knew there was so much variety! I stood fascinated by the myriad textures, hues and odors of these enigmatic and shapeless objects. I believe I gawked at a serrated and oblong vegetable that looked positively lethal, for a full five minutes . I was just formulating the many hazardous uses of this weapon when an irascible old man tapped my shoulder and sharply ordered me to move. I think the vegetable in question was a zucchini... or an asparagus... or a drumstick...oh well, as far as I am concerned they are all the same thing. I did not find the *see may badhne kai* and just as I was about to abandon my quest, I found the vegetable in a nondescript roadside store. I eagerly looked at the plastic package wondering which exotic delight I held in my hand. My imagination worked furiously conjuring up spotted and diseased tubers with multiple roots oozing a ridiculously pink liquid. But alas the fruits , or rather vegetables, of my labor seemed unsatisfactory. I gazed with not little disappointment at a gourd, the most blase of vegetables. I trudged back home vowing never to shop for groceries ever again unless they had pronounceable names and were at least mildly noxious.
I must now end this perplexing entry. My mind has just entered an elevated stage of depression and self loathing *resumes banging head against wall*. I hope my next entry shall be a little cheerful.
Yours sullenly,
Oinkity
*munches a see may badhne kai*