People suck.
I give up on them.
My new best friends are animals.
They're much nicer. And they aren't smarter than me.
Humans are so annoying. Really, I dislike them immensely.
And being coerced into buying lingerie can be potentially traumatizing. (That's a rather long and entertaining story, I'll save it for another blog post)
Oh and ignore this perplexing outburst, I'm just miffed. More than one person chose to antagonise me today.
Bleh to the Human Race.
*runs away and hides inside a shell*

I haven't blogged in ages.
Its not as though I didn't have anything blog worthy to write about. Sure SMUN happened, as did my farewell party, but I'm feeling oddly detached.
Oh and I got a new template
Thank you Aninditha. I stole the link from your rather decorative page ;).
Yes yes, I know..it's garish and unsightly. But thats how I feel...not garish and unsightly.. well...maybe not that much... but a teensy bit emo and rebellious.
It's PINK... I know... After you're eyes have sufficiently recovered from the unnaturally bright hues, and I hope they do... I will not accept lawsuits for causing premature blindness due to over exposure to this blog... I hope to return to my whimsical rants.
Which have been sadly limited these past few days. I fear I have lost my beaver-ness. The essence of absurdity that usually sprinkles this virtual excuse for a blog.
It's 12:30 and I'm sleep deprived. And my pillows glaring at me. What if it decides to strangle me at night? Like those curtains last month? Or what if my fan decides to crash on me? Imagine the headlines "Homicidal Fan Kills Girl". What an ignominious way to die. Almost as bad as being crushed by an amorous camel, oh and that actually did happen, in Australia anyway. At least I don't own a pet camel.
Random thought. I never liked the phrase LMAO (Laughing My Ass Off). How hard must you laugh for your rear end to spontaneously detach itself. And I can even get visuals. Don't worry. They're all PG ;)
Anywho, I think I should try and sleep. And try not to squash the annoying bug thats buzzing around my ear *smacks wildly in the air... manages to poke her own eye...swears loudly at stupid bug*
Where's a frog when you need it.
Anywho, I have a late night extermination to attend to. And no, I don't want sympathy mail for the poor deceased bug, I'm sure it lived a not-so-long and fulfilling life buzzing around aimlessly. If any of you insect lovers care so much, I'd be happy to turn over the carcass. And you can have a bloody funeral for all I care. Just don't invite me to it.
Right, is this what I've been reduced to. Contemplating the death of a harmless fly at 12 in the night and planning on not attending its improbable funeral. Yup, I've finally lost it. Just wrap me in a strait jacket and throw me in a bug/fan/pillow/curtain free padded cell.
Bleh. I really need a life. And some coffee. And cookies too. And my own nation while you're at it.
Well, time to wind up this useless rant. I'm surprised you're still reading this. Really, you need protective eye gear to tolerate my new template.
Until my Next Spasm of Boredom then,
Gnite

RotoMUN!!

Picture: Courtesy Aditi!

I know it’s been a week since ROTOMUN happened and I guess I’m a little late with this but I did need some recuperating time! Well RotoMUN was QUITE eventful…

Ever been hit on by creepy Czechoslovakian delegates?!
Or watched in horror as a bottle of water emptied itself on top of your head?
Ever run away from fascist organisers who turn homicidal just because the only skirt you own happens to be denim?
Have you danced with 3 inch heels for around two hours?
Ever heard a glass-shattering rendition of the Burkina Faso National Anthem?
Ever heard of Burkina Faso?

Yes that was RotoMUN in all its *ahem* dignified glory. As you can see every one from the press/bench to the delegates were perfectly professional, prosaic and politely deferential. Well… most of the time we were….

As part of the Press I got to scare the delegates senseless… I realised I enjoy watching a person’s face contort in consternation when interrogated, their lips moving soundlessly, sometimes making incoherent sounds in a disastrous attempt to speak, their eyes bulging out in dread as they search for inspiration from the ceiling fans, their hands nervously ruffling through pages of research and then finally admitting defeat.

Okay… maybe I exaggerated a bit…. A tiny bit…
Anywho, I kind of derived this sadistic pleasure from watching these poor delegates break under scrutiny. I must have enjoyed my job a little too much as I was quite quickly deemed a bitch of unspeakable proportions. Wow, I can’t begin to describe how pleased I was.

Well that must sound odd. Why would I want to be known as a merciless tyrant?
Since most people consider me to be adorable/cuddly/lovable... worthy of being stuffed in a box and packaged as a stuffed animal… the intimidating/imperious side of me is usually shouted down. Hence, they tend to underestimate my inherent ruthlessness and barbaric need to induce suffering. Now, I can proudly state I’m SCARY!
Yaay me! *celebrates with a victory dance*

Of course, my newly established daunting reputation did not dissuade people from pinching my cheeks until they grew crimson and swollen to the point that the next day my face resembled a diseased half-mutant blowfish…

Arghh!!! Right, I just got insulted by an online quiz! It called me a CHICKEN?! And this test was supposed to determine my creativity quotient not which animal has a strange obsession with crossing roads! This means war! *grabs battle-axe, katana and camouflage gear*

Till Tomorrow
*yells battle cry and charges*

MUN, Mobiles and Misogynist Morons

Hear ye! Hear ye! Now announcing the reinstatement of a precious technological possession after a protracted period of absence and relegation into the sphere of redundancy.

In other words, my father FINALLY fixed my mobile! After 4 months and many making-international-prank-calls-is-not-classified-as-productive
use-of-your-time lectures, my phone has been rightfully restored to me. I need make a celebratory prank call. Now where did I keep the number of that long lost friend in U.K... *searches through a sea of random papers...nearly gets bitten by lunatic dog...gives up* Oh well... I can always prank call Mum in Ethiopia.

Apart from that I have been swamped with RotoMUN related stuff. I've been watching CNN obsessively. Well, at least I'm occupied... but I think I might be pursuing it a little too keenly. I've been dreaming about Megalomaniac OPEC nations and I distinctly remember being reprimanded for cursing violently about Senseless Chauvinist Fundamental Rights Violators...( read the Misogynist males of certain middle-eastern nations)

Anywho,with my phone back, I can once again engage in those ludicrous late night conversations when I'm half asleep and incapable of any coherent thoughts.
In fact... I'm going to post a snippet of the kind of messages I send/receive whilst on a high!!

Scene: Random Rainy Day

Me: Its raining!!! Me like the rain *does ritualistic rain dance thanking the gods*.. Yaay...*jumps into a puddle and drenches unsuspecting pedestrian*..oops..

Nandita: EXCUSE ME PREKSH! ARE YOU HIGH?

Me: Yes... *resumes dance*

Nandita: Really...OH LORD?!

Me: What?! Don't insult the rain gods, mortal..*curses Nandita using totem pole*

Nandita: Why have you gone MAD MY LOOPY PRIESTESS?!!

Me: Loopy, psycho, witchy priestess. And no, I haven't gone mad..just merely insane.

Nandita: Same difference my loopy/irrational priestess. Do the gods snigger at you as you run around your ummm....Pole?

Well, you get my drift. the rest of the conversation involved a morally-complex messiah, the submergence of New Zealand/Sri lanka, a couple of crooked staffs and a Math exam.

Right...Mum must be back...Time to wreck some intercontinental communication havoc!

LALALALA-OPEN!

*ahem* I kindly beseech you to pay heed to Resolution Avacado: I, Preksha Kumar, henceforth resolve never to call, contact, annoy, mail, eat lemony muddy gelato with those persons formerly referred to as her Friends.
You may now sit on the holy watermelon.
or not... Right... I just think fruits are sacrosanct at the moment. My faithful jester went loopy today. Yes by loopy I mean exclaiming-aiyoo-sniffing-bathrooms-loopy. Finally...my influence is rubbing off. Not that I sniff bathrooms...I prefer furniture.
Right where was I? Oh yes, Crazy Izzie! That rhymes! *does victory dance* okie... so today my loyal side-kick officially broke that tenuous grasp she had over sanity. That's when her 9th alter ego resurfaced. Unfortunately that happened to be the gender confused one. Never ever talk to a friend going through an identity crisis...*cringes visibly*. But I became extremely worried only when she started singing "LALALA Open" to her monitor in a near affectionate tone. Then she referred to me as "DA"... I just hope it isn't "Macha" tomorrow. Ah well... My jester's seeking her inner self. let's hope she doesn't look too hard.
Apart from that...my days been normal..until jooni started talking about eating grilled cats and warrior bunnies *turns green with nausea*. Oh and I helped a friend unlock the insanity within... I don't think that friend is going to talk to me for a while.
Cheerios... Must find those pesky windshield wipers
*bows to holy curtains*

Bloody Bob! Not at all Purkayastha

School officially started today... Well not for me... *grumbles in exasperation* Let me re-phrase that. Sophia's officially began today. Hence, I have been compelled to accept the fact that I am unavoidably alone...devoid of my usual slew of friends to keep me entertained. I've been spending unhealthy periods of time alone. So much so, I've been arguing with myself and quite surprisingly I lost the argument. Yes, I believe it's quite dangerous for me to be left to amuse myself for protracted periods of time. My stuffed toys are eagerly nodding in agreement.
I don't miss my school. I wholeheartedly welcome change. But I feel as though I've been temporarily discarded by Life. I've been relegated to the sidelines, forced to be a spectator, biding my time and anxiously awaiting the end of this interminable period of inactivity. I became almost wistful when Aisha described the various imaginative ways they (the newbies) were ragged involving hair-oil, pole dancing and the chicken waddle. And then I was accused of Bobbing... Yes bobbing.. If anyone has the remotest idea what bobbing entails then please do drop a hint. In light of such an unforgivable insult I had no option but to tell aforementioned pseudo-friend to go and Pukayastha herself...
Yes that's the latest trend ladies and farm animals... Instead of telling someone to..I don't know... drown in the nearest sewer/swallow a diseased dishcloth/jump in a well and/or bore their eyes out with an umbrella...you can effectively convey all the above mentioned insults with one word....Purkayastha... Isn't it positively magical. Of course, I must check whether the use of the word might violate copyright infringement. As some of you might have guessed Purkayastha happens to be Isha's surname and more formidably my former teacher's too...
Therefore, in addition to the above connotation, Purkayastha can also be used in the context of describing something as cool/remarkable/downright amusing. Ah, imagine the possibilities... of course credit needs to be accorded to Mehek, who first came up with this inventive substitute for slang. I was jabbering away unconcernedly in terrible French when Mehek (speechless and dazed) retorted rather confidently with the magic word-Purkayastha. Thus, a new historic semantic departure occurred. This is quite possibly the most revolutionary linguistic discovery of the past century.
Anywho...This blog further validates my need for some activity during this dreary vacation. I hope the following days will be more Purkayastha..

Pardon my French

Terrorizing McDonald's... A few minutes before the infamous rampage across Brigade Road...

Looking down at my exam paper, I gleefully observed how I wouldn't need to care about conjugating blasted French verbs. After nearly two months of French class involving rather imaginative french swear words and drunk Columbian pigs I now bid Au revoir to the open courtyard of Alliance Francaise.
To commemorate this solemn event I rejoiced by playing pool (horrendously), visiting mediocre Tibetan restaurants, ending up in McDonalds and having dessert at corner house whilst listening to the ribald songs from South Park. After deciding to end our escapades in style, we grabbed the Mcdonalds paper made caps (meant exclusively for those capable of monosyllabic speech) and marched purposefully down M.G road trying to sing twinkle twinkle little star in a Kannada accent.
Needless to say, we were given a wide berth and not-too-friendly looks. Not that we cared. The mildly intoxicating chilli sauce, sunshine and caffeine induced a maddened stupor in all of us. This boisterous bunch stomped across the streets terrorizing unsuspecting pedestrians and traumatizing a defenseless six year old. Such good times...*sniff*... I shall miss these spontaneous bursts of recklessness.
Oh well, must get back to Atonement...I really need a hobby.
May the sacred curtain gods bless you.

Return of the Jester

My Jester returned!! *throws coffee and confetti* I could do the cancan in a ghastly purple tutu! Oh wait, I don't have to, I'll just ask my loyal jester to do so... No. I'm not delusional. I just happen to aspire towards world domination. Now in my new world order I have Royal Jesters, janitors and crocodile bait. Siblings/Dissidents fall into the last category.
Anywho, with my jester back, I can ramble mindlessly for hours on end without being promptly cut off mid-sentence. Honestly, it's quite rude when people use "nature calls" as a pretext to get out of a conversation with me. Either that or all my friends have overactive bladders. *shudders inwardly* I know I'm a rather trying person and quite honestly even I can get sick of myself with alarming frequency but come on, how often does one have to bathe, or answer the doorbell, or watch Seinfeld, or eat lunch at 4:40 in the morning? Oh well, it's not my fault term begins on the 30 th of August!! I just want to pack my bags and leave! But due to some cruel twist of fate I am doomed to spend a 5 month holiday in boring blistering Bangalore! Worse still, everybody's college/school either begins tomorrow or next week... So I can't ring up anyone at 10 in the morning to debate the possibility of brain damage after watching the latest Narnia movie. I've been reduced to watching my stuffed companions fight with each other. Bumblebutt(my pilot teddy... reason for name: courtesy Jooni on a hangover) is rather peeved by Poko, my frighteningly blue elephant ballerina. Right now my bedroom's ground zero for hostile tension between my inanimate friends. *sigh* I really need to leave this house...
Oh well... My loyal reader... yes singular...I'm not THAT delusional! if you have any useful suggestions about how to kill time for 3 months, please leave some in the comments suggestions and no, I will NOT consider sewing/cooking/ballet *gags in horror* lessons how much ever it might entertain you. Remember every one on the planet was created solely for the purpose of my amusement...
A demain my pets,
With bubbles and Bumblebutt,
Yours in complete disenchantment
BeaverGirl

Living in a hut, sitting on an armadillo, eating a whale and watching fish fly west

"Go live in a hut!" Not very long ago these priceless words of wisdom were uttered by my rather exasperated friend (who, as you might have duly observed, is incapable of a respectable comeback)... Suddenly these words seem to make a lot more sense. More sense than Joseph Heller at any rate... Maybe it's time I took a much needed vacation from my holiday. I'm restless with anticipation... Why does school have to begin only in September! The wait is killing me.
I guess most people would welcome the idea of a 5 month long vacation but, trust me, after five weeks you will be itching to do something productive. I've been reduced to coming up with ridiculous comebacks for the aforementioned friend involving edgy armadillos, edible whales and airborne fish... I need one last cathartic and reckless outburst to put everything back to perspective. But in lieu of the exciting summer I had envisioned, I'm experiencing an interminable period of tedium that stretches out for a few more months...
I cannot even read as voraciously as before. My interest is waning and I seem to have very little patience for Mr.Nikos Kazantzakis too... Well, the prospect of a vacation is turning out to be more promising by the day. If I''m lucky I'll be out of this city(or country) by next Friday...*prays to the visa gods* ... Right.. that's about as much I can type about my uneventful vacation at 11:55 in the night whilst under the influence of sleep inducing medication. Yes, I'm on medication. No, I don't have mental problems(how much ever this blog may indicate to the contrary). I'm still recuperating from a nasty bout of stomach flu. It isn't life threatening so don't get your hopes up.
*Yawn* Must sleep... I think I can see the bloody armadillos doing the cancan in front of me. Stupid pills. Stupid hallucinations. Stupid dasypodidae. Maybe next time I'll be able to write a sensible piece for once. Although I rather like the title... sounds like the plot for my next short story...hmm....

Sleep deprived

Boards are over!! Yaay!! Let's see I haven't updated in months... not that it matters much as I happen to be the only person who reads this pathetic pretext for a blog. Oh well.... I'm high!!

Like jump-off-the-nearest-cliff-trying-to-fly high.... Oooohh and I was hypnotised by my fan. Yes... fans are very hypnotising... especially if you have a Physics board the next day with 13 chapters to go...

Funnily I studied very little during March. In fact i saw more movies, read more books, acquired new hobbies and wrote more obsessively than any other time this year. Oh well... I happen to have terrible timing. I can't wait to leave this place... I can't wait to go away and begin afresh...

I don't care about my results. I don't give a damn about whether I can achieve that 95% + score everybody expects me to receive. Frankly, I stopped caring a long time ago. Probably a big mistake but i'm not bothered. Not now, anyway.


Oh well... moving on to more heartening news... I might join shooting classes... as in learn how to handle an actual gun...I didn't say it would be heartening for you...

oh well... I'm sleepy...and disoriented... I slept for 2 hours last night, courtesy a late n...actually early morning game of UNO at 4:30 am, after watching 3 movies back to back.... Oh well I have quite a few interesting books to read this week which I've listed below

1. Catcher in the Rye
2. Schindler's Ark
3. Emma (Don't ask)
4. Catch 22
5. The Great Gatsby
6. Tess of the d'urberviles
7. Priestess of the White

Oh well.. I must go now.. i'm losing the battle against coherence.. msut seelp...need rset... Gdooybe...

The Horrendous Space Kablooie!

After three hours of mindlessly spending my time in the redundant task of studying, I experienced a visceral revelation. It's rather peculiar that most of my life changing revelations occur whenever I am forced to study Hindi.
I thought of how futile and insignificant humans are. About how we're merely a minor cosmic accident and even if the earth was destroyed to make way for a galactic freeway, it wouldn't make an ounce of a difference. As a friend duly and regularly reminds me; I might just get run over by a car tomorrow and then all my desires and ambitions would be pointless. It's fascinatingly absurd how you can cease to exist within a fraction of a second.
With all these philosophical ruminations plaguing my head, the reader will understand how I could not continue studying, *states in a hopeful tone* you know, i could just kick the bucket tomorrow and then I wouldn't have to write the boards. Or... I could hitch hike on the closest spaceship *please not a Vogon ship* and explore the universe as a swashbuckling buccaneer with towel in hand and goldfish in ear. So if you happen to find a stray alien ship willing to accommodate a desperate student in search of the meaning of Life, Universe and Everything; kindly send them to me.
Now to more important and sensible matters.... What would be the name of the planet I discover? Beaverland? CynicsUtopia?42? OscarWilde? Suggestions will be considered provided they are ridiculous and impractical for all intents and purposes. After declaring myself Supreme OverLord/Lady *no I'm not gender confused, just grammatically confounded* , Her Excellency plans to spend the rest of her days in probing scientific research.... like how many nukes are required to destroy Andromeda or is Michael Jackson a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong.... I am sure such breakthrough answers would change the lives of all human, humanoid, semi-humanoid and android beings.
I assure you reader I am not inebriated, drugged, brainwashed, schizophrenic or a Star Wars fan. I'm merely under the influence of a small dose of Coffee.... Now, mere mortal, the important task of idleness necessitates my attention. Hopefully I shall soon be traversing the length and breadth of the Universe with less than 10 Altarian dollars a day or I shall be restricted to endure the hell known as the Boards.
I now leave you with an excerpt from the 3rd worst poetry in the universe- Vogon Poetry.

*Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.*

Waiting for my Heart of Gold,
*stares wistfully at the stars*

Phantasma of my Life

I quietly sit at my desk, analyzing the suicidal and morbid thoughts that plague my mind. Unusually, the source of my suffering is my own demons...the inconsistencies of my character. I have no one to blame and even if I could, it wouldn't make an ounce of a difference. I have defenestrated my desires and ambitions as nonchalantly as if it were mere ephemera. The chances of me getting into the college of my choice have alarmingly reduced and I now believe I might *gasp* end up in the mediocre colleges of the city. I am at the end of my rope and below me lies the abyss of everything average, everything I detest. My grasp is slipping... I was once at the top, now I am struggling to survive, fighting against the tenacious wind of despair that threatens to relieve me of my hold. I am not sure if I can hang on much longer.
So, here I am absorbed in my own deathly cogitations, imagining he various ways I could inflict harm upon myself. Let me assure the reader that before you attempt to alert the authorities, that everything I say remains as words and ideas. I am not going to actually do as I say. I am a little too intent on life to take such a futile and drastic measure as suicide. But I can't resist thinking about it. It's rather cathartic and ,at times , even soothing. Anywho on a lighter note, I have an amusing incident to narrate...
In the evening, my grandmother asked me to get vegetables for dinner. Now, I have never gone vegetable shopping alone and I can name only 10 vegetables accurately. The rest are just shapeless inedible and ergo unnecessary objects. My grandmother dealt with local vendors her whole life, so much so that she has quite remarkably forgotten their English names. She expected me to buy an elusive vegetable known as "see may badhne kai" in Kannada. After sensing that I hadn't registered a syllable of that convoluted word, she enrolled the help of my less ignorant maid. So like a meek child I was introduced to the world of vegetables. I never knew there was so much variety! I stood fascinated by the myriad textures, hues and odors of these enigmatic and shapeless objects. I believe I gawked at a serrated and oblong vegetable that looked positively lethal, for a full five minutes . I was just formulating the many hazardous uses of this weapon when an irascible old man tapped my shoulder and sharply ordered me to move. I think the vegetable in question was a zucchini... or an asparagus... or a drumstick...oh well, as far as I am concerned they are all the same thing. I did not find the *see may badhne kai* and just as I was about to abandon my quest, I found the vegetable in a nondescript roadside store. I eagerly looked at the plastic package wondering which exotic delight I held in my hand. My imagination worked furiously conjuring up spotted and diseased tubers with multiple roots oozing a ridiculously pink liquid. But alas the fruits , or rather vegetables, of my labor seemed unsatisfactory. I gazed with not little disappointment at a gourd, the most blase of vegetables. I trudged back home vowing never to shop for groceries ever again unless they had pronounceable names and were at least mildly noxious.
I must now end this perplexing entry. My mind has just entered an elevated stage of depression and self loathing *resumes banging head against wall*. I hope my next entry shall be a little cheerful.
Yours sullenly,
Oinkity
*munches a see may badhne kai*

Yours Diabolically

Now presenting the much anticipated entry of...*drum roll please* Oinkity a.k.a Psycho Beaver, who is more the nutcase next door rather than the girl next door *bows to deafening applause*. Just now my mind is functioning with limited energy. I have just survived a barbaric manifestation of human rights abuse- the Pre-boards. The road was long and often punctuated with potholes of despondency, boulders of sleep deprivation and an ominous feeling of being suicidal. I had consumed the last remnants of coffee available at home before promptly devouring two boxes of cookies. There were lows and more lows.To fully fathom the psychological trauma I have endured, a certain incident can aid you.
It was the night before the moribund history exam. Throughout the day, I had prayed something would run over me and end my misery. Unfortunately the universe wasn't feeling particularly generous and I was compelled to finish 300+ pages of Ceausescu, Naoroji and the damned judicial system.I had slept for three hours. After waking up at four in the morning, in all my disoriented glory,I started furiously poring over my chemistry book for fifteen minutes. After realizing what I was doing, I immediately began a rather painful rendition of that Simpson's classic "Spider pig". In fact for the next ten minutes I was more engrossed in the song than I had ever been with Glasnost or Perestroika. I then proceeded to hit my head persistently against the wall effectively destroying every remaining functional brain cell. Yet despite all that, I survived... So, where's my Nobel?
I have been though hell and even worse, through the inner torture instruments of the Indian Educational System. Now like a battle worn and bruised warrior I try to piece together the minuscule pile of powder, shattered shards and viscous slime that was once my brain. I know confront a mildly subdued monster known as the boards. But that's a far 42 days away. Until then i can continue reading the three different books that have craved my attention. I now have a date with Nobakov, Lepierre and Ellroy and I must confess that they will be remotely more piquant than you, the reader, who possibly has dictionary.com in the neighbouring tab. Farewell, unenlightened reader, my printer's committing suicide and I must rescue it before it destroys my English assignment in the process.